What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:21
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was scared of men, in general
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is soul school!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We all went to grammer schools
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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I waited trembling.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
How do you get a girl to like you?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She married twice! .
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I am 13 and I am planning to run away. What should I do to succeed?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When she asked me how she looked .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why did you choose not to join Mensa?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I said to her
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She loved him until the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Who then, do I blame.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She found it foreign!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i lived it daily.
I was 9 years of age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
All the time i was locked up.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I have no regrets .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was seconnd youngest,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My life is so biszare .
I never cut or harmed myself..
But ive been too sick for many years..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Would this be the day?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He knew the spot.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She wouldn,t have been !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But it wasn’t much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I will be 64.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ive learnt so much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im still living with it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
So whats the point in blame.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.